Sunday, October 6, 2013

Turning 40...

I know for past 1 year, something within me has been barking me to blog and write again, and I have been procrastinating it simply because at certain point of my life, I think I worry too much. The year leading to turning 40 seems pretty dramatic for me. I think I have witnessed more changes and made more drastic decisions than I ever have done in my past years. I have shed more sweat and tears than I could last imagine. The last time I remembered I was that crazy was when I was 30, and when Heaven's Gift was born.

Honestly, my emotions towards turning 30 and turning 40 are very different. When I was 30, all I want to do was to prove to myself and to the world whether I could achieve something. And that was when I left a good paying director role for a crazy vocation like wedding planning, in which I had no clue about then, and still at times have no clue why I stuck in it for so long. I suppose like what my ex Vice President had said about me : Hannah, you are just a simple woman who has lots and lots of guts. To leave a position where you could have 25 subordinates serving you for a job where you may need to serve 25 bosses look really silly.  And I think my boss was right, I have no clue what wedding planning entails.

When I am determined to do something, I simply just plunged and then I decide how to swim in it.. that explains how I have operated all these 10 years in Heaven's Gift. And why I am still fascinated at the fact that how God provides my clients. I think my clients are just as crazy to believe in me and give me the freedom to create what I have envisioned. And I am truly thankful for each of them bcos they do make you who you are today in some sense. But one thing I am certain, never stop dreaming, never stop envisioning. Your vision determines your future. And never think you have attained, bcos it is just the beginning.

This year, I went through much emotions than I could have imagined in my past years. I have to be honest, I am not ready to be in my 40s, there seems to be more apprehension in what's to come. The uncertainty of what's next, more than what you can do or achieve weighs more in my thoughts. Maybe because all the while, I really thought I would be married by the age of 40s and have 2 charming kids, and it will be a new phase in life that I want to experience. I always wish I could retire at 40. Hahah.. but I think these two questions can only be fully revealed and explained by the Lord Almighty.

The mid of this year I was brought to a decision of merging my company with another. The real reason : a voice within me leads me to. Do I have the full picture of the merger? No, but I knew I have to do it. It is the next season. It was really interesting because within months, I have clients and friends calling to meet me to simply ask me the reasons behind it. I didn't know that there were many out there who were really interested to know the goings in my life. And within weeks after the merger, I have a team whom I have built for almost 4 years left me all at the time, when I most needed them.. and I wondered and wondered. The thoughts of how you have showered your care, how your have poured out your hearts into each of them vs all their seemingly valid reasons to leave don't gel.  The mixed emotions of sadness and anger all came upon me at the same time. Yes, I questioned, but I was more heartbroken than bittered. Then one incident follows another, it was likened watching a confession reality show of the people in your life, and after all that I have seen and heard, all the bizarre messages, I decided that there was no need to explain our actions, bcos time is the best evidence of one's life.

To many who know me, I am as real as what I write. Bcos, blogging is my form of self-therapy, not a showcase. I really don't care what people have to say about my blogs or me.  My blog reveals the journey of me as an entrepreneur and as a dreamer. I am thankful that I have fans who follows my blog. but the real reason I blog is simply because it is a collection of reminders of what He has been doing in my life. The journey of an entrepreneur is filled with dreams, excitement, endurance and perseverance.
If it has not been God, I would not have persevered and attained much. I think it is much easier for me to stay as employee than building your own company.
And yes, after 10 years of building this company, people may think you have attained, but often to me, it is another leap of faith to continue to build and revisit the dream you have been holding on.
But I have no regrets becoming an entrepreneur, because today well lived makes every yesterday a dream of happiness, and every tomorrow a vision of hope. I hold on tightly to this principle in life - don't live in regrets, take a look back, learn from it and then get up and walk again. Life is not a full-stop, it is filled with many commas. Only God knows your final destiny. So stay focus!

Heaven's Gift has been a treasured gift from God to me, to show me how much He has cared for me, and how much He can do through me. But at the end of the day, our vocation is still another job. All the energy we put in, and the toil we continue in a job cannot bring us eternal happiness. What matters most in life is Health, Happiness and Wholeness. And that's my vision of entering into the 40s.

Do I still dream of retiring - yes, we all do!
Most of all,  I dream of walking down the street of my land, with no regrets, with no hesitation, and with no burden, and I can always say to my spirit : It is well with my soul!